Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Winning the Battle of the Form Letters

It's time for us taxpaying constituents to revolt against form letters from our elected officials that may or may not be on topic. Here's my suggestion for our very own form rebuttal:

Dear Mr. and/or Ms. Elected Official:

I am in receipt of your form letter response to my (choose one: email/letter) dated (choose one: 1 month ago; 2 months ago; more than 2 months ago) on the subject of _________________ (fill in the blank). I appreciate your acknowledgement of my correspondence.

I do not appreciate, however, the enormous amount of irrelevant boilerplate contained in your email. You chose not to address my questions or comments, opting instead to pat yourself on the back in an effort to influence my opinion of you and the "job you've been doing for me" (choose one: on Capitol Hill; in the White House; in the state capitol; in the loony bin known in New Orleans as City Hall).

I can quite easily ascertain your position on any issue, and how you voted; I know how to use several search engines on the internet. It is wholly unnecessary for you to explain why an issue is important and how you plan to resolve it -- I already know. That's why I wrote to you.

You, however, need to hear directly from your constituents, in depth, to understand the will of the electorate in our Representative Democratic Republic. That's why we correspond with you -- to communicate our positions, not to solicit you to blow smoke where the sun don't shine.

I will continue to communicate with you, and I will appreciate getting a brief reply from you acknowledging that you comprehend my position. I will not appreciate the heaping mounds of self-congratulatory barky-malarkey in which your previous communications abound.

I remember, I make contributions to candidates, and I vote.

Most VERY sincerely,

Of course, I don't have to worry about receiving form letters from Speaker Pelosi or the Young President -- they never reply to the love letters I send them anyway. Do you have anything to add?


  1. Ha. Good one. This literally made me laugh out loud. Thanks!

  2. Do you have anything to add?

    Only a "heh" and that I plan to steal this.